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Family is often considered the first context in which we develop our identities, learn social roles and form deep emotional connections. Our attachment to family shapes how we view the world, interact with others, and ultimately define ourselves. But not all attachments are alike and the roles we assume in our family constellations can have lasting effects on our personal lives and relationships therein.

By exploring and addressing these patterns in therapy, we can learn to heal and create healthier connections with others and ourselves.

Attachment to Family: The Foundation of Our Emotional World

From the moment we are born, we begin to form attachments. We are completely dependent and in need of constant care, warmth and sustenance. These early bonds with our caregivers significantly influence our emotional development and future relationships and shape our ability to trust and relate to others.

Our attachment to family isn’t limited to our immediate caregivers. The broader family constellation, the roles that each member plays in the system can create patterns that affect the way we come to relate.

Attachment Styles & Their Influence

In terms of our style of attachment, there are four primary types, each defined by how a child responds to emotional cues from their caregivers.

Secure Attachment

• In this style, we feel safe and supported as children, leading to healthy, stable and trusting relationships later in life.
• We are comfortable with emotional intimacy, trust others easily and maintain a balanced sense of independence.
• In daily life, we generally experience less anxiety in relationships and communicate our needs effectively.

Anxious Attachment

• Our parents may have been inconsistent and unpredictable in their care towards us and in how they responded to our needs as children.
• As a child we are anxious and may seek excessive reassurance from partners, friends, or coworkers, often fearing rejection. We can become overly dependent on others for our validation.
• We learn to be self-reliant and may struggle with intimacy or closeness in relationships as an adult.
• In everyday situations, we might struggle with self-doubt, overanalysing our social interactions or feeling insecure in personal and professional relationships.

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

• Children can develop an avoidant attachment style in childhood if a parent or caregiver is emotionally absent or overly critical leading to an overvaluing of independence and often avoiding emotional closeness.
• We struggle to express emotions, dismiss the need for deep connections or pull away when relationships become too intimate.
• In daily life, an avoidantly attached adult might keep conversations at a surface-level, struggle with commitment, or may have difficulty asking for help when needed.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

• This style is a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment, often resulting from childhood trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
• Confusion and fear in relationships can be common, making it difficult to establish secure emotional bonds. We may crave closeness but fear vulnerability, leading to unpredictable relationship patterns.
• We might experience intense emotional highs and lows, have difficulty trusting others or react defensively in stressful situations.

Family Constellations and the Roles We Play

In family systems, individuals often take on specific roles that influence how they interact with each other. These roles can evolve over time, but they often begin in childhood and continue to shape how we relate to others throughout our lives. Some common roles include:

• The Caregiver/Protector: In this role, we may feel compelled to take care of others, sometimes at the expense of our own needs. As adults we may struggle with a sense of over-responsibility or a fear of being vulnerable.
• The Rebel: This family member might challenge the rules or try to break free from the family system. While rebellion can be a healthy sign of autonomy, it can also lead to a sense of alienation and difficulty forming stable, trusting relationships.
• The Peacemaker: In this role, we mediate conflicts or try to maintain harmony within the family, often suppressing our own needs in an effort to avoid conflict. This role can create patterns of people-pleasing behaviours and avoidance of confrontation in later relationships.
• The Lost Child: Often the quieter, withdrawn family member, we may not get as much attention and can feel neglected or invisible. We may carry a sense of emotional isolation into adulthood, making it hard to form deep, meaningful connections.
• The Scapegoat: Often blamed for problems in the family, the scapegoat may struggle with feelings of shame, rejection or inadequacy. We may internalize negative beliefs about ourselves that affect future relationships.

Though these roles are not set in stone, they can have profound effects on the dynamics we go on to cocreate with others. They shape our expectations, behaviours, and how we interpret the actions of others.

How Therapy Can Help: Healing the Past and Creating Healthier Connections

Therapy provides a powerful tool to understand and heal the deep-seated emotional patterns formed within the family system.

Therapy can help in:

• Understanding Family Patterns: Therapy helps us to uncover our family roles and the subconscious patterns we’ve adopted or were assigned. Working to make these patterns conscious, we can begin to unravel behaviours and beliefs that no longer serve us.
• Healing Attachment Wounds: Psychotherapy can help us to develop a more secure attachment to ourselves and subsequently others through conversations, reflection and honest examination. We can learn to trust, communicate and build deeper emotional connections.
• Improving Emotional Regulation: Therapy provides tools for managing intense emotions that may have been repressed or triggered by our family dynamics. Learning to regulate emotions in a safe space with a psychotherapist can help us to feel more confident in relationships.
• Transforming Negative Beliefs: Many people carry deep-seated beliefs about themselves based on their family experiences. Therapy can help us challenge and reframe these beliefs, leading to greater self-esteem, self-worth, and the ability to form healthier, more genuine connections with others.
• Building Healthy Boundaries: One of the most important lessons psychotherapy can teach is how to establish healthier boundaries. This is especially important for those of us who took on roles like the caregiver or peacemaker, where personal needs were often overlooked. Therapy encourages us to recognize our inherent worth and to assert healthy and helpful boundaries in relationships.
• Creating New Relationship Narratives: By understanding how family dynamics shaped our current experiences, we can rewrite our relationship narratives. Psychotherapy can help us shift from repeating unhealthy, often unwanted patterns to creating new, stronger, conscious ways of relating to others.

Conclusion

The attachments we form with our family members and the roles we play within the family system leave a lasting mark on our emotional lives. By examining these influences, we can better understand why we behave the way we do in relationships and take active steps toward healing. Psychotherapy offers a safe and supportive space to explore these issues, break free from old patterns and can build the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Whether you’re struggling with past family dynamics or seeking to create deeper emotional connections, psychotherapy can be a powerful ally in your journey toward self-discovery and growth.

Anxiety is a term often associated with debilitating fear, panic attacks, and an inability to function in everyday life. However, not all anxiety fits this description. High-functioning anxiety is a lesser-known but equally impactful condition where individuals appear to manage their daily tasks efficiently, often excelling in their professional and personal lives, while internally grappling with anxiety. Often presenting as overachievers, perfectionists and highly motivated, these individuals mask a continuous state of stress and unease.

The symptoms and visible signs of high functioning anxiety are often less evident than the visible anxious person due to the ability to excel and appear highly competent.

The main characteristics of high-functioning anxiety can include:

1. Inability to Relax & Restlessness – struggling to unwind and enjoy downtime, often feeling guilty or anxious during moments of rest.
2. Fear of Failure – An intense fear of making mistakes or not meeting expectations.
3. Overthinking – Frequently worried about various aspects of life with a tendency to overanalyse situations.
4. Constant need for reassurance – Needing external validation to confirm ‘I am doing ok’, ‘I’m not overreacting’ and so on.
5. High Achieving – setting and pursuing ambitious goals, often exceeding expectations.
6. Planning ahead: often being highly organized and always preparing ahead for all eventualities. Leaving little to chance.
7. Defining self-worth based on productivity – I only bring value if I am ‘doing’.
8. Detail-Oriented  – paying close attention to details and ensuring that tasks are completed to a high standard.
9. People-Pleasing –  Struggling to say no and often take on too many responsibilities to please others. Often this is driven by a need to not push people away.
10. Sleep Issues – trouble sleeping due to racing thoughts and excessive worry.

The Role of Psychotherapy

Therapy can be a helpful tool in managing high-functioning anxiety by:

• Helping us to identify and challenge self-critical thought patterns and behaviours. For example, do we seek perfection because making mistakes feel like failure and this is experienced as intolerable?
• Understanding where and when we learnt that we have to be excelling at all times and why it’s so difficult to let anyone see our difficulties or vulnerabilities.
• Addressing our self-judgments to encourage inner self acceptance. Rather than trying ‘to stop or get rid of’ the anxiety, as is often stated as the goal of therapy, working on our critical inner critic to understand the drivers that recreate these patterns of behaviour.
• Identify our strengths and building resilience to help manage fears and feelings of things being out of control.
• Learning to be more compassionate and considerate towards ourselves and attending to our needs.
• Learning to set boundaries, saying no and prioritising tasks to avoid overstretching and overcommitting.
• Learning to reach out to others when feeling overwhelmed and asking for help.

High-functioning anxiety is a complex and often misunderstood condition. While individuals with high-functioning anxiety may appear successful and in control, they often struggle internally with constant worry and stress. Recognizing the signs, adopting pro-active strategies and seeking therapy can help manage and alleviate the symptoms of high-functioning anxiety.

If you or someone you know is struggling with high-functioning anxiety, reaching out for support is a crucial first step towards well-being and a more balanced outlook.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasers often go out of their way to accommodate the emotional needs of others in an effort to be liked, to ‘keep the peace’, not disappoint the other and fundamentally avoid conflict at all costs. At the core of people-pleasing lies a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment. There is an underlying belief that worthiness and lovability are contingent upon meeting others’ expectations. Disappointing others or being met with disapproval can evoke intense anxiety and elicit a need to please.

People pleasing can look like:

• Struggling or feeling bad for saying no.
• Difficulty setting appropriate boundaries or expressing limits to what we are willing to accept.
• Not expressing a contrary opinion to minimise our own anxiety about being perceived in an unfavourable light.
• Believing never disagreeing will provide validation and approval.
• Constantly apologising and taking responsibility for actions and events we are not, to minimise awkwardness and discomfort.
• Hiding our real feelings to avoid conflict and, or hurting the other
• Using different personas with different people. Often we can see this ‘chameleon like’ behaviour as being ‘adaptable’ but we sacrifice our own true opinions, values, beliefs and self.
• Feeling exploited. We can start to feel taken advantage of and resent the other for not being aware of the imbalance in the relationship and/or not noticing our needs.
• Burnout – apparent ‘harmony’ comes at the expense of our genuine feelings and thoughts and can eventually lead to harbouring resentments and our own mental and physical burn out.

Early Attachments and Developmental Influences

Our earliest experiences with attachment and connection lay the foundation for how we relate to others later in life. Individuals who grew up in environments where their needs weren’t consistently met or where their caregivers were emotionally unavailable may develop a strong inclination towards people-pleasing behaviours.

The need to please others can also stem from unmet psychological needs for validation, acceptance, and belonging. Those who struggle with low self-esteem or a lack of self-worth may seek external validation as a means of bolstering a fragile sense of self. Underpinning the constant striving to meet others’ expectations and gather praise is the desire to fill the void within and find the sense of belonging and acceptance deeply craved.

Psychotherapy

In psychotherapy, individuals struggling with people-pleasing tendencies are encouraged to explore their underlying beliefs, fears and emotional patterns driving the need to be liked. Through this examination we can begin to name and challenge the motivations behind the need to please so much and cultivate a deeper understanding of our own sense of worthiness and intrinsic value.

By cultivating self-compassion and self-acceptance we can challenge the harsh self-criticism and perfectionism that is often associated with people-pleasing behaviour. Therapy can also assist in developing assertiveness skills to communicate needs, preferences, and boundaries effectively, while still respecting the autonomy and boundaries of others.

Ultimately, the journey towards healing from people-pleasing involves embracing authenticity, self-compassion, and empowerment. By recognizing and challenging the core beliefs and fears driving our behaviour, we can reclaim agency over their lives and cultivate fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and authenticity.

Burnout has become an all-too-common affliction in our fast-paced, stressful and demanding world.  It can affect anyone, from working people, professionals, students to stay-at-home parents and caregivers.

This blog is an attempt to describe what burnout is and to help you to identify and recognise the signs and possible remedies.

Burnout: What is it?

Burnout is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that results from protracted and chronic stress. Characterized by feelings of fatigue that feel overwhelming, feeling cynical or detached from work or our responsibilities are signs of burnout. Often this results in a reduction in performance at a professional and, or personal level. Burnout doesn’t develop overnight or without signs but rather is an accumulation over time. It is a warning to pay attention to our body and mind.

Burnout has been on the rise and was further exacerbated by the Covid-19 pandemic especially among healthcare workers, parents juggling remote work and childcare and individuals experiencing social isolation. Burnout is prevalent across many demographics with women reporting symptoms of burnout more often. This may be due to higher proportions of women responsible for caregiving and being in healthcare professions.

How Do I Recognise Burnout?

1. Persistent Fatigue: We are feeling tired all the time, even after a full night’s sleep
2. Emotional Changes: Experiencing mood swings, increased irritability and a sense of hopelessness.
3. Physical Symptoms: Muscle tension, frequent headaches and digestive problems
4. Performance reduced: We are struggling to meet deadlines, our productivity is decreasing and we are experiencing poor concentration levels.
5. Cynicism and Detachment: We become aware of feeling emotionally distant or disconnected from our work, our responsibilities or personal relationships.
6. Lack of Self Care: Ignoring our health, exercise, eating unhealthily.
7. Social Withdrawal: We are isolating ourselves from friends, family and social activities.

How Can Burnout Be Alleviated?

Once we recognise we are experiencing burnout, we can take steps to learn strategies to counter the range of symptoms experienced.

1. Self-Care: Prioritising our self-care, which can include exercise, eating well and getting sufficient, good quality sleep.
2. Setting Boundaries: Learning to establish clear boundaries between our working and personal lives can help to prevent overextending ourselves.
3. Seeking Support: Reaching out to friends, family or a therapist to talk through what we are feeling and experiencing.
4. Learning to Manage Stress: Learning techniques like mindfulness, meditation or yoga to help reduce our stress levels.
5. Taking Breaks: Regularly scheduling short breaks during the workday to recharge. This could be a short walk or sitting down to have lunch rather than ‘on the go’.
6. Time Management: Learning to manage our time more effectively and trying to delegate tasks when possible. We don’t have to do it all and the fact we can’t doesn’t make us ‘weak’.
7. Re-evaluate Our Priorities: Creating an inventory can help us to assess the importance of our goals and priorities, enabling us to make the necessary amendments.
8. Professional Help: If you notice that your burnout has become severe and is feeling unmanageable, consider professional help or therapy.

Burnout is a widespread and a serious issue affecting individuals in various roles and industries. Recognizing the signs, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support are essential steps to prevent and combat burnout. As we continue to navigate the challenges of the modern world, addressing burnout becomes increasingly important for our physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

From the occasional spell of nervousness to chronic feelings of fear and worry, anxiety has become an increasingly prevalent challenge for many individuals.

Anxiety is a natural human response to stress and perceived threats. It is often characterized by feelings of apprehension, unease, and worry. While occasional anxiety can be normal, excessive or persistent anxiety can interfere with daily life, relationships, and ability to live life as fully as you want to.

It’s time to seek help if you:

• Feel like you’re worrying too much or it has started to interfere with your relationships or work
• Are struggling to control feelings of fear or worry
• Feel depressed or have other mental health concerns in addition to anxiety
• Are using substances like alcohol or drugs to manage your anxiety
• Understanding anxiety and learning effective coping strategies is beneficial for maintaining mental well-being in the face of this condition.

Anxiety will feel different for everyone, but some common symptoms include:

• A churning stomach
• Feeling lightheaded or dizzy
• Faster breathing (hyperventilation)
• Increased heart rate or thumping heart
• Nausea
• Panic attacks
• Feeling worried
• Feeling tense, nervous and unable to relax.
• Gastrointestinal discomfort

Lifestyle Adjustments such as incorporating healthy habits can significantly impact anxiety levels. Forming good sleep hygiene, maintaining a balanced diet, reducing caffeine and alcohol consumption, and avoiding nicotine can all contribute to a more stable emotional state. Creating good time management, setting realistic goals, and learning to delegate tasks can also help alleviate stress and reduce feelings of overwhelm.

Psychotherapy and counselling can be a very advantageous route to uncovering anxieties at a deeper level.

How Can Psychotherapy and Counselling Help? 

Everyone experiences anxiety differently so the therapy process is bespoke to your needs.
Psychotherapy offers a safe and non-judgemental space to examine what your mind and body are telling you while exploring and challenging your thoughts and the meaning of your anxiety.

Identifying and acknowledging the factors that can generate anxiety help us to develop personalized strategies to alleviate the impact of anxiety on our lives. Recognizing the mind-body connection is vital in managing anxiety effectively.

Common triggers can include:

• Work-related stress
• Financial pressures
• Health concerns
• Trauma in adulthood, childhood trauma or witnessing a traumatic event
• A painful long-term medical condition
• Certain medications
• Familial history of anxiety disorders
• Drug or alcohol misuse
• Major life changes.

Additionally, genetic factors, imbalances in brain chemistry, and environmental influences can contribute to anxiety disorders.

Rather than just focussing on the symptoms, psychotherapy addresses the underlying root causes which are fuelling anxious thoughts, feelings and behaviours. With this deeper exploration, it is possible to make meaningful and longer-lasting changes.

At times it may feel like anxiety is an insurmountable hurdle, but it is important to remember that there is hope and help available. By understanding anxiety’s causes, recognizing its physical and emotional manifestations, and adopting effective coping strategies, we can regain control over our lives. Embrace the journey towards finding calm in a chaotic world, and know that brighter days could lie ahead.

Learn more about Wellness Therapy

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Maintaining a healthy and harmonious relationship requires work and dedication from both parties. However, sometimes even the most loving relationships can experience difficulties, conflicts, and misunderstandings. This is where relationship therapy can help.

Relationship counselling or therapy, also known as couples therapy or marriage counselling aims to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen relationships between two people. You can have relationship counselling if you’re married, living together, working together, related, single, gay, bi-sexual or straight.

Couples therapy provides an opportunity to learn how we interact with each other in relationships, to recognize recurring patterns of behaviour and where these may stem from so healthier, more beneficial choices can be made going forward.

Causes of Relationship Problems:

• Affairs/infidelity
• Communication problems
• Money/debt issues
• Sexual incompatibility
• Sexual problems – male and/or female
• Impact of infertility – male and/or female
• Falling out of love
• Arguments/irritability
• Wanting a new relationship
• Abusive relationships
• Mental health difficulties in one partner impacting relationship

How can relationship therapy help?

1. Improve communication
Communication is key in any relationship. Couples learn how to communicate effectively and listen actively to each other. This can help to improve the overall quality of the relationship and counteract future misunderstandings and conflicts.

2. Resolving conflicts
Relationship therapy can help couples to learn how to resolve disagreements in a constructive and healthy manner in order to find mutually beneficial solutions. Learning how to express feelings and needs in a non-judgmental way can enable couples to learn how to work together.

3. Deepening intimacy
In intimate relationships, therapy can help couples to deepen their emotional connection and intimacy. Exploring feelings and needs can enable couples to learn to be more vulnerable and open with each other. In non-intimate relationships, two people can work on creating a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship by deepening their understanding of one another.

4. Building trust
Trust is vital in any relationship. Therapy can help couples to rebuild trust after a breach has occurred. By exploring the underlying issues and working together to find solutions, couples can learn to trust each other again.

5. Enhancing overall satisfaction
By learning new skills and tools to manage conflict and communicate effectively, couples can build a stronger foundation for their relationship resulting in greater happiness and fulfilment. This can lead to an overall satisfaction in the relationship.

Relationship counselling offers a neutral, collaborative space for couples or individuals to learn about their relational styles and gain awareness of their issues individually and collectively.

With commitment, dedication, and a willingness to work together, relationship therapy can help you to build a stronger, healthier, and happier relationship.

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